Spring cleaning of the mind

It recently occurred to me that at this point in history, my life is a mirror for what is happening globally – a meshing of inner and outer turmoil.

Personally, alas my efforts to secure meaningful and fairly compensated employment has not born fruit. Since the new year there were several jobs I applied for for which I knew I was well suited, however only in 1 case did I even get an interview. I have previously written about ageism and how this is impacting me here.

For those who have experienced periods of unemployment, you will know the emotional roller coaster ride you can be on during this time, that is if it lasts a while. I have been on this ride a few times in my life, amusement it is not. I knew when I left academia in 2014 that I might be replacing one set of stressors to put it mildly for another and I was not wrong, though still no regrets. After several attempts to find another fulfilling professional endeavour without success, I fell into a funk which I am still stuck in. However I have made a decision, not really a new one but something I have at times practised.

Unlike many who live in the past, I am someone who lives in the future. I am a planner. I make goals and I accomplish them as I am also a doer. I recently realized that I hadn’t actually written down some goals in a long time, like years, and so I thought now was the time as I struggled to find a new purpose or a re-purposement of my self. I took my notebook and sat outside on a beautiful spring day, one of the few we have had in the midst of many rainy daze, a typical spring where we live. For the first time in my life I was actually stumped to try to list anything. I managed to jot down some activities but nothing was inspiring, igniting some passion in me, most importantly motivating me. This was a painful realization, a most unfamiliar feeling.

I was describing what was happening to me to a good friend and she said your goal is self-care. I was like oh yeah. I didn’t really think what I have been doing these past many months, addressing a years old farm related back injury, restarting my yoga practice, as self-care. It was more out of necessity since the pain & discomfort was just becoming unbearable, and just then an opportunity came my way – a new friend offered diagnosis & treatment, and combined with my body work it has worked wonders. Message to self: “See Mrs. C5 – the universe provides!! Remember this”.

The decision is to let go … of everything. Well pretty much everything.

Easier said than done obviously.

So what exactly am I letting go of?

I am letting go of finding work. I will still look but limiting this to a short period of time each week where I peruse specific websites of the few places that would have possibly some suitable employment. I can’t help but feel I might just miss the perfect opportunity even though I don’t hold high hopes of this. Otherwise I trying to be okay with not having any work for the foreseeable future.

I am letting go of money worries. Unlike the majority we have no debt, we own outright our property not the bank, we have savings. How many can say this?

I am letting go of having to grow a large garden to supply us with food. I will be taking care of my perennial veggies & fruit, e.g. asparagus, strawberries, etc.. Instead I have joined a CSA program for this season to lighten my load.

I am letting go of the stress of not knowing where funds to live on will come from after our savings run out which fortunately won’t be for a while barring some major injurious life event. I am already making plans – there I go again – to activate my pension as soon as I can since I don’t see opportunities changing much as the economic collapse sets in.

I am letting go of expectations of how I should be feeling. I have really bad days where I don’t want to get up but I do – my animals need tending. I am what is called high functioning. I never knew such people existed. We can be suffering emotionally and psychologically but you would never know it.

I am letting go of the focus on the future. I can’t just not think about the future but I am trying to just let those thoughts be noticed and then I move on.

I am letting go of any attachment to where we live. Discussion about moving has been a repeated topic on and off the table matter for my family. The opportunities here are so limited, employment wise but also even in terms of leisure activities. This is rural living, but also Maritime culture. If I was offered the right price for our property then we would sell. However the discussion then moves to where would be go. When you consider climate collapse where is a safe & fruitful place to live? We do love our place but at the same time we are not attached to it either.

I need to remember that the universe will provide as it has always done for me – I am oh so lucky and fortunate and … have good karma and… (fill in with what you believe). I shouldn’t complain. I have had the good fortune to be able to take the time to try out several different career paths. I want to practice being more grateful, a daily practice with intention that has always helped me in the past. I need to shift my attitude but also not deny how I am feeling – a delicate balance indeed to which I’m sure many can relate.

As I continue this journey to try to live in the moment, I manage some days better than others. As I work to detach, to not have my emotions control my days, I will try to do one productive thing per day and something that provides some joy. I hope you can do the same.

So what do you need to let go of?

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